Vietnamese Wedding - The Engagement

A wedding is a once in a lifetime occasion... Well hopefully, but then again you do not know what will happen in this modern time. It is a memorable moment that everyone, especially the bride, who wants everything to go as smoothly and perfectly as possible.

Before a wedding can take place, a proposal has to be made ahead of time. Just like the wedding, an engagement is also as important and in some places even more so. This is a little head up to all the guys so make it thoughtful (it does not have to be extravagant). In some regions of Vietnam, like in the rural areas, this hold very true that engagement is consider more important than the wedding. However, people live in the city is depends on the family due to Western influence

An Engagement to Remember

Vietnamese's engagement tends to be very traditional with a lot of customs that tag along. You will notice that the engagement process will have some similarities in the next article when the broom and his family come to retrieve the bride after the wedding ceremony take place. The engagement in Vietnam is different than Western, where it does not stop after the guy proposed to the girl but continues until both families agree and officially celebrate the couple.

The process continues. Although, the guy does not have to ask the girl's family for approval before he pop the question to her, both families still have to get together to plan the engagement party when she agreed. There are families out there that it is recommended the groom to be asked the family first.

This just shows that you respect the family and want their approval. As a result, the girl's family will like you and think more of you. That and your future fiance will think it is a little cute and sweet that you did that for her of going through all that trouble of getting pass her family.

Even though she has accepted your proposal, it is not official yet. Next, both families have to pick a date for the engagement party. Usually in the past, the date is based on the couple's birth dates and its hours (for Feng Shui purpose) but today it is mostly depend on whenever it is convenient. Once the date has been set, each side of the family will pick a representative for the engagement ceremony.

Please stand up...

The representative can be anyone that knows the family or a person in the family. When it comes to chosen a representative, that person needs know the family, good public speaking skills and reputation. This step should not bring you any difficulty

A few days or week prior to the engagement, the fiance's family has to get all the gifts to the fiancee's family ready. These gifts consist of jewelry, husband-and-wife cake, betel leaves, areca nuts, wine, fruit, cake, tea, and huge roasted pork (the whole animal). All of the gifts will be wrapped in red paper on a plate/tray. During this time, the fiance will make sure the rings are size correctly.

On the fiancee's side, all she and her family have to do is get ready for the ceremony such as making sure the house is clean, decorating the place to make it look pretty (usually the decoration will be all in the color red, which stands for good luck/fortune), and the ancestors' alter all set up with fruits, tea, and incensed sticks. In our culture, the woman tends to have less responsibility in the wedding process compare to the West.

Before hand, the fiancee will have gotten all her traditional clothes called Ao Dai, which is always custom made (the fiance will do the same). Both of the fiance and fiancee's outfits usually will be red or pink (applies to the fiancee more).

Should I stay or should I go?

So the actual day has arrived and you no longer can back out. You probably are thinking, "What? I can't back out? Yes, I can because it's not the actual wedding." Let's back track for a second. One of the reasons why in some regions the engagement is important is because to make sure no party will cancel the wedding once the couple is engage. This applies more to the old days when marriages are arranged and one side would fear the other would back out.

By making everything really big and extravagant on the engagement ceremony make both families hard to back out because if they do, the whole family will lose face. The family's reputation will be damaged not to mention the honor of keeping one's word is gone, and then no one will trust you or your family. The consequences are deadly but it is to prevent runaways before the actual wedding. Julia Robert (Runaway Bride) will not do very good in our country (hehe).

On the engagement day, the fiance's family will come to the fiancee's house with the prepared gifts. During the gift ceremony, all the guys on the fiance's family will line up with a tray of gifts while on the fiancee's side the girls will also form a line to receive the gifts. Once the exchange has taken place, everyone goes inside the house.

Next, the fiance's representative will now ask for the fiancee's hand in marriage on behalf of family. Then, the fiancee's representative will accept the offer and now the couple will pray in front of the ancestors' alter for approval and blessing.

After all this is done, the rings are now exchange and the couple is now officially engage. At this time, the fiance's family representative will now introduce the members on his side by their role, and likewise on the fiancee's. This moment is when speeches about the couple will be exchange by the representatives and family members when it is their turn being introduce. Sometimes the speeches can be blessing of happiness and congratulatory or welcoming to the family since from this point on, the fiance and fiancee could call their in laws mom, dad, sister, brother, etc...

Before the ceremony end, the fiancee's side has to return a portion of the gift that the fiance's bring back to his family. The gift ceremony will be the same at the beginning. Two lines of guy and girl line up, but this time the girls will hand back the trays and gifts.

You may ask why we have this tradition. I would say we just follow blindly (hehe). Because, this tradition have passed down from generation to generations and we just follow what the ancestor have taught.

When the ceremony is officially over then the actual party can start. Well, not quite until everyone got their pictures taken with the happy couple. Then, the fiancee's family can start unwrap the gifts and handing out food.

If you are getting engage or thinking about it, I would like to be the first one to congratulate you. If you have any other question, you can contact me here. Or, you can follow me on Twitter. From where I am and wherever you are, best wishes from Culture-4-travel.com. Good night.

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